CoSleeping with a Yoga-riffic Toddler

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0:00okay hello mamacita's momma's mom's
0:05mothers it's nice to see you again and
0:07welcome to another episode of the juice
0:09box mom's moments show I am very excited
0:12today to have yet another ordinary
0:15extraordinary average everyday mom just
0:17doing her mom thing with us and her name
0:20is Alisha she lives here in Portland did
0:22you grow up here in Portland oh yes you
0:24did and how did we meet
0:26forgive me I would like did we just meet
0:27online um Clarissa through Clarissa yes
0:31I love that I just told you I know her
0:34we have people just they just are in
0:36your circle and so you're like I don't
0:37know I just know her so I love that
0:40that's a great reminder thank you so yes
0:43sir today we are going to talk with
0:45Alicia and one of the things that I do
0:46with all of my podcasts is I start with
0:49the prom' okay are you ready so I wrote
0:51a Prohm just for you okay it's it's a
0:54poem and then it's a little prayer but I
0:56like put them together into one so it's
0:59like a fun thing so it's supposed to be
1:01fun so don't look so nervous it's okay
1:03okay
1:04with full-time work and a full-time
1:08toddler miss Alicia is quite busy and
1:11cannot be a dawdler she adores her mom
1:14hat to the moon and back and her story
1:16will ring true for where many new moms
1:19are at thank you so much for taking time
1:21to be with me I'm asking God to guide
1:23our conversation and bring light and
1:25love and goodness and wisdom from your
1:27story and my story into the story of
1:30moms everywhere amen
1:32all right so Alicia I always start with
1:36a little bit of your past a little bit
1:38what's going on right now a little bit
1:40about where you want to go and mothering
1:42so let's start with tell us about your
1:45mama did she have like a crock-pot on
1:47the kitchen table every day was she home
1:50was she working like what do you
1:52remember when you were we one thinking
1:54about this motherhood thing recognizing
1:56that you know you were going to be the
1:57one that could carry babies and have
1:59them if you chose to which is a lot of
2:01power right a lot of women are like
2:03that's not that's exciting we could
2:05change the world if we just start saying
2:06no or yet more specifically alright so
2:10anyways I'm going to squirrel a lot knit
2:11better
2:12so tell me a little bit about
2:13we NAB your mom and just some of your
2:16impressions of motherhood and so my mama
2:18was a single mom from see I think I was
2:21about three it was just her and I met
2:24the two of you yes oh I am an only child
2:28um and she worked full-time and she
2:32worked out of the home from the time
2:34that I can remember so I don't remember
2:37her missing any sporting events or
2:39anything apparently she did because she
2:41feels guilty about it but I really I
2:43remember her being there for everything
2:45that's often I talked to so many moms
2:48who say some of that same stuff like
2:50we're late or we miss something or
2:52honestly like my interviewed grandma's a
2:55couple of podcasts ago and they were
2:57telling stories about literally like
2:59leaving their children on the sidewalk
3:00in front of school for three hours and
3:02these things we do and yet our children
3:04just amazingly aren't really that
3:06scarred by it they're like whatever I
3:08don't I don't remember that so I love
3:10that you said that because I think we're
3:11hard on ourselves when those things
3:13happened yet her very forgetful and
3:15forgiving
3:15one I had we had great neighbors and so
3:19I remember sleepovers at the neighbor's
3:20house I'm sure that's when she went out
3:22of town for business but it was a fun
3:25time and it was something different and
3:27so it wasn't like traumatizing or
3:29anything like that like I don't ever
3:31remember her being gone for too long
3:33where like I was you know really missing
3:36her any of that so she was very present
3:39in everything that I did and everything
3:42that we did we still have a very close
3:44relationship and now she has a close
3:47relationship with her granddaughter oh I
3:50love that
3:50that's great so she was single all
3:52growing up and she worked what kind of
3:54work did she do was it like 9:00 to 5:00
3:56no well she worked for a transportation
3:59company so she worked for both the ESPY
4:02railroads CSX oh and they were on the
4:05East Coast and so she were kind of East
4:07Coast hours a lot like I remember she
4:09would get me to bed and then she would
4:11go and work a few hours so by working at
4:14home it gave her the flexibility I think
4:15to kind of tailor her hours to win you
4:19know either I was at school or I was
4:21asleep when I was a lil antastic and you
4:24know it's amazing how much empathy we
4:26start to have
4:27when we become mothers for what our
4:30mothers went through right because now
4:32you can imagine being a single mom like
4:34what that how that would feel and how
4:36are the moments that would be hard the
4:38moments that she I'm sure had to dig
4:40deep and be there and show up and you
4:42were probably one of her greatest just
4:45blessings and Joy's every day you were
4:47her like friend thank you
4:49no she was mom but it was the two of you
4:51and there's something about that until
4:54you become a mom I know for me I've
4:56learned so much about my own mom and you
5:00know had to swallow my pride a few times
5:01in moments where I had made a decision
5:04about what kind of mom she was or should
5:06have been or could a banner or did or
5:07didn't do and then all of a sudden I
5:08became a mom and I went oh I see now
5:13maybe you had a life besides me and
5:16maybe you said no to me so you could say
5:18yes to dad and that's why you've been
5:20married for 50 years you know there's
5:23these things that just kind of look so
5:25good okay so in the past growing up mom
5:29was a working mom did you know you'd
5:31always wanted to be a working mom what
5:32happened with your life career I have a
5:36gal that I'm interviewing soon that was
5:40as soon as she you know realized what a
5:44mom wasn't that she could be one someday
5:45that's all she was ever going to be and
5:46she has never want to be anything else
5:48so I'm wanting to kind of get to some of
5:51the layers behind what makes us women
5:54decide I am going to work I always want
5:58to work I will work or some people go
5:59into it and they're like I don't really
6:01know I just you know I finished school
6:03and then I was supposed to do this and
6:05then that happened and so what would
6:07like your education and your movement
6:09into marriage and motherhood what were
6:11those early years like um so I graduated
6:14from Orion States so with the bachelors
6:18of charity working for the city of
6:20Portland um pretty much right out of
6:22school um in a field that was related to
6:25what I went to school for um kind of
6:29that happens to all of us yes um but I
6:32really enjoyed working and you know like
6:35working where I am
6:37since then I've actually taken another
6:39job with the station with his front
6:40bureau but you know I always thought
6:43that I review a working mom just because
6:44my mom was and she didn't make it look
6:46so effortlessly then even an elephant
6:49know that it was really hard on her yeah
6:51um and just having that other kind of
6:54piece of what was going on after I had
6:59my daughter if it would have worked out
7:02financially I probably wouldn't have
7:03gone back oh we're getting to the juicy
7:07middle see this is where I just love to
7:10just hear because some people just we
7:13talk about it like it's just so yeah
7:15this and then that but there's these
7:17moments where it's like wait I thought
7:19that was going to be easy decision or
7:20easy choice and it was hard and I think
7:24with working specifically um you know
7:27that that calling of you think yeah I'll
7:29work my mom worked I'm going to work the
7:31income will be nice for us but then then
7:34of Asia this baby comes along and then
7:38someone else is like give her to me and
7:39you're like you today it's hard and I
7:42remember reading in a little bit of your
7:44story how I think you had some of the
7:49blessing of the first year you had
7:51childcare right in the building he
7:54worked in right there was kind of a
7:55wasn't that like band-aid ripoff like no
7:58because I could go down I ended up
8:00nursing her most times at lunch her
8:02first year and I could go sneak down in
8:05between meetings on breaks
8:07you know snuggler or even just go peek
8:09at her as you all know that it wasn't
8:11like traumatizing for her for me to come
8:14and go where I couldn't do that at the
8:17age that she's at now because now she
8:19would have more of a freak out when I
8:21left yep when she's really little it
8:23wasn't an issue inch I could kind of go
8:25down and smugglers I think it was really
8:28the only way that I really was able to
8:31kind of get over going back to work um
8:35and I mean I enjoy my job so it wasn't
8:37like it was anything like that I have a
8:40very supportive husband you know who's a
8:43teacher and so I was the one that was
8:46the breadwinner
8:48oh so there was some pressure there too
8:50you needed that income for your family
8:53yeah for it to keep sea level of you
8:56know life that we had then you have
8:58discussions with him about should I go
9:03back what would that look like I mean
9:05did you get so far as penciling out the
9:07numbers is it a conversation you think
9:09you might still have some day or are you
9:11a the decisions been made
9:12I'm going to keep working no and we
9:15definitely talked about it when I was on
9:17the Trinity leave started able to
9:18actually take the full three months
9:20maternity leave we had sold a condo and
9:23bought a house and so we were able to
9:25you know save that money from the sales
9:27to pay for my salary while I was out so
9:30that was super nice which I know a lot
9:33of women don't even get that much time
9:35with their baby yeah did you have any
9:37postpartum or anything that you
9:40struggled with with labor and births and
9:42just that whole experience not really I
9:45think I mean I had some issues post
9:47birth but I didn't have I guess I had a
9:51little baby blues for a little bit but
9:53it was it lasted you know a couple days
9:54I really think that breastfeeding
9:57probably helped me and helped with the
10:00hormones and kind of and continues to
10:03still kind of help win everything back
10:06to whatever normal is going to be deaf
10:09master so I was pretty lucky in that
10:13respect that they didn't have a lot of
10:15kind of that best to worry about it was
10:18just the normal leaving my baby and it's
10:22so weird to have to like hand over
10:24someone who can't even sit up you know
10:27to to someone else to watch like they're
10:30just so helpless yeah muscle and that
10:33trust you know in that moment of like I
10:35don't know what's going to happen and so
10:38you kind of think to yourself well she's
10:41not old enough to recognize that
10:42something you know kind of crazy or
10:44dangerous or whatever so maybe there's
10:46you know because even as they get older
10:47when they get into daycare environments
10:49or even school I had an issue today with
10:51one of my kids at school and you know
10:53bigger where they see and hear and
10:55they're learning and they're sponges and
10:57you know children are sponges they
10:59literally absorb whatever they land on
11:01and when they're infants you know and I
11:03think with your first one especially
11:04having had so many now and my lovely
11:07entourage of children and about follow
11:09me around there's this like that
11:12firstborn for me anyways I had this I'm
11:15the only one that can do this right like
11:17I I could not I mean even just to leave
11:20with my mom or well this was after a
11:23while because in the beginning I was
11:24like everyone else has to do this I'm
11:25not supposed to be a mom I was really
11:27postpartum I was like ooh baby oh my
11:29gosh this is a mistake I should not have
11:31a uterus it was horrible
11:32but then I got to the point of where I
11:34was like okay I only wanted to do this I
11:36need to change and do and go and do it
11:38and all these things and it's
11:41interesting as they grow because I have
11:42this perspective now and I've had this
11:44kind of debate with the moms of when is
11:48the best time to be home you know and
11:49some people oh in the early years
11:51someone else can you know feed them and
11:53do this and do that but if you're
11:54nursing that's a whole nother you know
11:55even if you're pumping bottles or things
11:57of that sort
11:58someone else can change a diaper but
11:59once they get into school they need you
12:01there to pick them up and listen and
12:02have conversations you need to be in the
12:04classroom where you need to be teaching
12:05them and homeschooling them and that you
12:07know so there's this like opinionated
12:09push-pull which I personally believe is
12:12every mom is different every kid is
12:14different you know some of my boys would
12:16have cared less than now with the other
12:18and my girls would have been more like
12:20yes I need you now and then it was fine
12:22I mean it's and then it's just me you
12:24know what my own personal value systems
12:26are which is a huge thing for a lot of
12:28us moms is and what drives all of our
12:30decisions is is our value on the size of
12:33our home what our bank account looks
12:34like you know our marriages our faith
12:37what our children are being exposed to
12:40if other people can expose them to it
12:41everything from the granola bar that
12:44they eat you know all the way up to the
12:46pesticides that are in their wipes the
12:48system so you know it's this it's really
12:51a a conversation topic I think that a
12:54lot of moms have strong opinions about
12:56and yet you know hearing you talk about
13:00she was there I could go down I could
13:02peek on her but it was hard to leave but
13:04we had conversations about me staying
13:06home do you think you're a better mom
13:08because you decided to go back to work I
13:10think so um you know those
13:14kind of funny you see on Facebook and
13:16such those memes of like I want to be a
13:18stay-at-home mom and then just like
13:19snowpocalypse happens and generally go
13:22back to school yes yes I might have been
13:26possibly not sure vitamin me I think you
13:32know it definitely would be a lot
13:33different I had I stayed home and I
13:35loved the fact that you know she's now
13:38coming home from daycare with new words
13:40that she's learning and new things so it
13:43is much more of a do a really good job
13:46of learning but through plays so like I
13:50would have made the one that would be
13:51researching and having like a lesson
13:53plan if I was a stay-at-home mom to make
13:56sure that she was you know entertain and
13:57we do this activity we do that activity
13:59and so I okay I know that she's getting
14:02good care I take care and like even in
14:05the new location
14:06you know I love the teachers and they
14:09love her so much which is another push
14:11poll because you're like you want them
14:13to be happy at daycare and then when
14:15they want the teacher to read the book
14:17in the morning and not mom yes you know
14:20you're like yeah I'm really glad that
14:22she loves her teachers but no I need to
14:24know I want a few more minutes with you
14:27and so it's that the economy between
14:29like being happy that they're happy
14:31where they're at like she's excited to
14:33go to school now and we talked about all
14:36her little friends and she gets all
14:39excited and that's how we get her out
14:40the door you say we're going to go see
14:42her friends or her teachers and um but
14:45also you know wanting that time with her
14:48myself has been selfish you know and I
14:51want to play Legos with her and I want
14:53to do the painting and all of that I
14:56mean Lisa I don't know if you realize
14:57this or not but that is actually a
15:00beautiful wonderful gift in you as a
15:02mother because there are mothers myself
15:05included in the early years that sitting
15:09and playing with our children is hard at
15:12any age because there's this I got a go
15:16I got a work I got a clean I got a do I
15:18gotta gotta gotta getta and sitting for
15:21me like I am a huge like I swear I was a
15:25hippie and my past life like I just want
15:27everyone to get along and be
15:28kind and I don't want any conflict and
15:30the more kids I had the more conflict
15:32there was and I would sit down and try
15:33to play with one then the other one
15:34would come in and they'd be like rude
15:35don't take my red leg oh you're building
15:37up and I'll be like yeah mom's out and I
15:39just would be like I don't want to
15:41engage in this stuff so I would rather
15:43go fold your laundry or make you dinner
15:46or you know those kinds of like doing
15:49tasks versus the sitting and playing
15:51tasks so it's a huge gift to your
15:55daughter and especially because you're
15:56working so much the quality versus
15:59quantity conversation is forever one
16:01that you know as mothers and parents
16:04will constantly have so you know does
16:05your kid want an hour of eyeball contact
16:08and a story and how was your day and
16:10let's talk and pay close attention or
16:12you know does your kid want the my mom
16:14was just always there she picked me up
16:16she dropped me off today I don't you
16:18know she was always doing we had a great
16:20home but you know and do you do both
16:23what do you end and then there's this
16:25overlaying idea of it every day supposed
16:27to be the same right and it's not like
16:29some days are big and full of family and
16:32time with your kids and some days are
16:34very heavy on work and I had to work
16:35late and I had to do and I had to go and
16:37it sounds like you have a job that
16:39allows you and tell me more about this
16:42to really leave your work at work and
16:44then when you're home and with your
16:46family your home and with your family
16:47some I get to leave my office at the
16:51same time each day does all that hard
16:55doesn't mean that I'm not responding to
16:58email sometimes a little bit later or
17:00you know waiting until she goes to bed
17:02to finish something up but you know it's
17:06flexible in that manner and you know I'm
17:08the one that takes my daughter to
17:10daycare to pick strip because I work
17:12downtown and it was my husband's being a
17:15teacher in North Portland
17:17he's got the longer commute than I do
17:19and then he's gone for National Guard
17:23stuff periodically you know overnight
17:26and so it just made more sense for her
17:28to be at daycare closer to where I
17:30worked I remember you saying that your
17:32husband was in the National Guard which
17:34is fantastic and adds a whole nother
17:36layer of
17:38just you know I think pride and worry
17:44and you know probably loneliness and you
17:49know just to your marriage yourself plus
17:52you have a two-year-old now and I know
17:55that are you planning to have more kids
17:56it depends on the day or the minute yeah
18:00unfortunately financial plays a lot into
18:03that yes because daycare is expensive
18:06and we love we're you know our daughter
18:10goes and so we want them to go there too
18:12but then there's also talk about you
18:16know if my husband stayed home but then
18:18would I resist him because he's the one
18:20that got to stay home Oh
18:21aren't these interesting conversation
18:23would you resent him what do you think
18:25she would yeah that's so honest and fair
18:28of you to say I think a lot of women
18:30would feel that way it's like well I
18:32would want them to but wait I want to
18:34stay home but I don't I don't sense in
18:37you though that you're like I would give
18:38up my career in a heartbeat it feels
18:40more like I work and it's what I do and
18:44it's okay and it works for us right now
18:47and if we have another kid you know I
18:49might stay home but it sounds like your
18:51husband as a teacher he doesn't have a
18:53lot of options right right yeah well you
18:55both of us have our little side gigs you
18:59know different companies that you know
19:02we've tried to kind of make it go out
19:03but we're just not quite the social
19:08media salespeople yeah yeah neither one
19:13of us has been successful in doing
19:14something that for the work at home
19:16because that would give us the option of
19:19staying homeless for daughter but then
19:22we it's honestly a whole nother way of
19:25living it's a whole other lifestyle
19:26because I'm sad for you that you don't
19:29get to leave your work at work because I
19:31think that's one of the greatest things
19:32that you actually you know can do as
19:35often as possible is truly go in and
19:38focus and give and then turn it off and
19:41come home and you know when people email
19:43you you're like I'll get back to you
19:45tomorrow and it sounds like you have you
19:48know a system and work it requires
19:49something else of you um
19:51I know for me as my kids grew and
19:53required more attention it just created
19:56this friction in me you know when I
19:58tried to work from home constantly and
20:00work effectively you know through my own
20:03journey it just created this constant
20:06boxing ring that I was in it was a
20:08constant pole of the kidding me and you
20:10know especially when they were still
20:11home and then after they went to school
20:13and after I learned more I got to the
20:16point of where I was like working not
20:18working like those lines became very
20:21solid and to be as your daughter gets
20:23older and potentially if you have more
20:25kids that will be something that will
20:27come together for you or you'll find
20:29your own balance you know and you'll
20:31find a space where Mondays and
20:33Wednesdays and I think what's especially
20:35important is that we communicate with
20:36our husbands on these things I know so
20:40many husbands that have you know very
20:42typical kind of psychological
20:45development happen so mom's done having
20:48babies focusing on career now it's like
20:51the butterfly coming out of the cocoon
20:53and you know Here I am now I'm done now
20:56what do I want dad's like wait I thought
20:59you were home and focusing on me and
21:01relationship and it really creates this
21:03kind of ego challenge for moms and dads
21:07and so tell me a little bit about before
21:10we take a break here tell me a little
21:11bit about your marriage and tell me
21:15about how you keep that fresh I was
21:17talking to a mom yesterday who said that
21:19she's like I'm gone and I work full-time
21:21and I could never hire a babysitter and
21:24then leave and go out with my husband
21:25because I already spend so much time
21:27away from my daughter I would never want
21:28to do that so I want to understand like
21:30how do you how do you find that time and
21:32how do you prioritize your kids
21:35and your marriage so in the beginning it
21:38was actually really hard on our marriage
21:40when we had our daughter like just
21:42changing from you know how the
21:45relationship changed you know I wanted
21:47to only be next to her daughter I was
21:50see how the early stages of
21:52breastfeeding had some trouble with that
21:54and so trying to go through that and he
21:57was always very supportive but he didn't
22:00know how to really be supportive because
22:02it was all been to him
22:04you know neither one of us have been
22:06around people that have little babies
22:09hmm and the worst of the friend pack
22:12yeah so weird right and away but that's
22:14a hard job or all of our friends are
22:17living far away you know like so we
22:19weren't ever around a lot of little
22:21babies um so that was hard they're
22:25demanding and unpredictable and messy
22:27and kind of smelly and you love them so
22:28much but you're like me yes we're
22:34sneaking what I want to sleep this is
22:37not what I expected why don't you just
22:39look like the girls in the magazine he
22:41looks just like oh maybe it's not so
22:44much but he would be the one that would
22:47get up and you change her diaper you
22:49know and I would get ready to nurse and
22:51then he fell back to sleep
22:52like you know in the nursing area Zoey I
22:55mean he was always very engaged and and
22:57always there and so but it was still
23:01hard you know just how that changed and
23:05you know it took a while to heal and
23:07everything from from the labor and so
23:12you know and we that we actually
23:14co-sleep with my daughter because I'm
23:17still nursing and so I actually get a
23:19lot more sleep by having her in bed than
23:23I did even when she was fixed to me the
23:25pack and play and how does your husband
23:28feel about that now so she's - so you're
23:30sleeping man as your husband feel like
23:33that a good thing is he struggle with it
23:35and be ready for her to transition and
23:37thank you for any but he knows that I'm
23:39not ready so he's not so she's at all
23:41yeah um but you know how do you do you
23:44have how did you make that decision for
23:46yourself and how will you know when the
23:49time is right to move her to her own bed
23:51so we originally thought I was just
23:55going to breastfeed for the first year
23:57so I thought that's just what you did
23:58like yeah you chose to breastfeed then
24:01you're supposed to do it for a year and
24:03then magically they weaned and off
24:06everyone goes that's what I thought too
24:08yeah that's not quite the case
24:12um and once I was so I ended up pumping
24:15until she was a year
24:18and then after that I stopped talking at
24:20work and so it's like okay well we'll
24:21see what happens so I was able to still
24:24continue breastfeeding their before and
24:25after work and everything was going fine
24:29we can and so I've decided to kind of
24:31keep going until it's no longer
24:33enjoyable for either one of us know if I
24:37get touched out then we'll call it quit
24:39or you know she starts weaning than that
24:42slowly you know her choice which we
24:45dropped another one two weeks ago so
24:47we're just down into nighttime and
24:50morning
24:51okay so possibility that she may on her
24:54own I'm at me and do you think that it's
24:57important to you and your husband have
24:59time non-working just the two of you
25:02time like scheduled in monthly you go on
25:04dates how do you find time to just kind
25:07of keep that communication in that
25:08romance alive so during nap times on
25:11weekends is one of the prime times
25:13because she still takes a good two-hour
25:15nap
25:16oh space and then almost every Sunday my
25:20mom actually will take her for an
25:22afternoon or evening I love that so you
25:25count on that and you can schedule that
25:27in now have you ever been tempted to
25:30fill that with a trip with some
25:32girlfriend or your own nap or I mean I
25:35know for me like and that was the
25:39challenge whenever there was a little
25:40bit of time I was selfish with it I was
25:43not necessarily you know the most loving
25:45to my husband who I didn't realize began
25:48to rely on it like wait no this is our
25:50time where do we do it like no but I
25:54need you but and if you love me and you
25:56understand oh my goodness so that was
25:59not a healthy thing to be doing because
26:01I think guys typically husbands they
26:03really do want to be supportive exactly
26:05like you said and I talked to a few of
26:07them who will often say you know I
26:09really just expected that she was going
26:12to go through this motherhood thing and
26:13there was going to be this nursing and
26:14this evolution and then the woman I
26:16married was going to magically wake up
26:18one day and you know I don't know okay
26:20if it takes two years fine it takes five
26:22years fine but I was waiting and waiting
26:23and waiting and she was farther and
26:25farther away from me and all of a sudden
26:26you know they need a realization of like
26:28you are not going to be the woman that
26:30they
26:31you're a mom now and everything in your
26:32life has you know a mom goo to it so you
26:37think differently you feel differently
26:39you pee differently you dress
26:41differently like so much is adjusted and
26:44it's an honest open conversation that I
26:46think has to be had do you feel like he
26:50you guys have the chance to talk through
26:52some of those things and evolve together
26:53through this yeah I think that we do a
26:56really good job of talking together
26:57we're very similar types of people were
27:00both know kind of introverted but we've
27:02always had really good communication we
27:05actually met four years before we
27:08started dating and so we were friends um
27:11you know a lot longer than when we
27:14started dating so I had gone through a
27:17deployment with him as a friend and that
27:20was back in the days of MySpace
27:21so I'd be signing in every day to see
27:23when the last type he logged in was just
27:25to make sure that he was safe oh and
27:28that was just just a friend like a can
27:30imagine having to go through a
27:32deployment you know now in war so he
27:36served four years and what he's always
27:39the National Guard National Park okay so
27:42he's been in almost 11 years 11 years
27:45well so we started as we met in
27:512005-2006
27:53when I got back from my study abroad and
27:55then we started dating in 2010 so then
27:59this was so I'm here you saying weekend
28:04nap times are his and mine and grandma
28:07takes every Sunday so that's a critical
28:08space for you guys to have some time
28:11just the two of you um let's take a
28:14quick break and just kind of stretch our
28:17legs do some jumping jacks yoga 2 minute
28:19plank you know coffee wine whatever you
28:22feel called you and then we'll come back
28:24and I would love for you to give some
28:25advice to some other new moms it might
28:27be coming up on this season of a two
28:30year old and what happened next you can
28:35hear my daughter in the bathtub
28:36oh that's awesome we're back bathing
28:39with magician her daughter in the tub
28:42rub-a-dub-dub
28:43Menma tub I love bath time the kids
28:45don't take baths anymore well sometimes
28:47my oldest when like his you know like
28:51track legs have given out on him and I
28:53Mike here need some accents off you have
28:54to get on the tub you can tell making
28:56right so much um anyway but besides that
28:58I miss pastime they were so and when
29:00they were really tiny and you could like
29:02get in with them
29:03oh just love that that's awesome so your
29:07is your husband giving her back yeah oh
29:08that's fantastic so tea plate stays
29:11pretty engaged and evening routines and
29:13activities so being a teacher he leaves
29:15in his work at work and when he gets
29:17home he's home
29:19yes now come on now I got a dig deeper
29:23as you know I mean I'm sure that anyone
29:27who's in the education field knows that
29:28there's grading and there's grades and
29:31all that stuff typically happens after
29:34hours hmm
29:36yep yeah that's true and then I spend
29:38all their own money to go and buy
29:40supplies for the classroom
29:41so we should not get started on what
29:44teachers go through and do err but god
29:46bless him what eighth grade is he teach
29:48and he is in middle school PE and health
29:51oh we should have a moment of silence
29:54for all middle school and health
29:56teachers I have to add an extra prayer
29:58into my podcast god bless him and he's
30:01in the Portland Public School District
30:02yeah good for him that's fantastic so
30:05the last couple minutes that we have
30:07here in the last part of our show I will
30:10let me to just tell me a little bit
30:12about first I want to know do you ever
30:14have mom guilt of course and what do you
30:16do with it when you have it um a squeeze
30:20my daughter tell her I love her and try
30:23and move on because it's not going to
30:25help anything by having that guilt
30:27especially at this age where she doesn't
30:29remember that we told her she could blow
30:31bubbles at night and she's just excited
30:34when we get the bubbles down because we
30:36told her that we could do it next night
30:37so we do so yeah the guilt doesn't help
30:41anyone or helps all to anything so I try
30:45to kind of acknowledge it and then push
30:46it up
30:47that's um I know for me the time that I
30:52felt it I recognized it and then I'm
30:54always trying to
30:56stand like why right so moving to that
30:59thought process of well if I was here or
31:02I could do that for you or I think you
31:03know that would mean that we wouldn't
31:05have this this and this do you talk to
31:07her very much I mean she's only 2 but
31:09you talk to her very much about what it
31:11means that mommy's working and why she's
31:12gone and what she has because of that no
31:15we haven't really gotten into that it's
31:17just kind of like well daddy goes to
31:18work mama goes to work in any just
31:20school like that's just our jobs yeah I
31:23love that it's just a routine just what
31:25we do how we're scheduled I think a lot
31:27of families and a lot of mom do a big
31:29service to their family when they set
31:31them up like that because I have seen
31:34experiences where you know if someone
31:36were to ask your 6 7 or 8 year old does
31:39your mom like to work no she hates it
31:41she doesn't want to leave it when why
31:43does she do it well I guess because we
31:45she likes all the shoes she buys I don't
31:47know why she does it you know what I
31:48mean and that really creates conflict
31:50for kids and then what if you were to
31:52say well does your mom like being a mom
31:53no she's always exhausted and tired well
31:55what does your mom like you know so that
31:57thought of like if someone asks your
31:59kids you know why does your mom do what
32:00she does and is she happy doing it like
32:03I know for me my greatest joy is I want
32:06my kids to look at my life and my work
32:09and my joy and understand
32:10we were mom's treasured possessions she
32:13worked when she could so that we had
32:15income for like my kids know that I work
32:17specifically so that I can pay the
32:19tuition at the school that my boys go to
32:21like almost exclusively goes to that and
32:23there's a little bit more that we you
32:25know might travel have some mad money
32:26with but we've cut down our expenses so
32:30that really if I didn't make anything in
32:32a month nobody's going to starve you
32:35know I mean so they see and know that
32:38correlation but I think it's important
32:39especially you being the breadwinners as
32:41they also know if mommy lost your job
32:43she would have to go find another one
32:44right away so you know does they see why
32:48that work is there to provide
32:50experiences food what we need maybe a
32:53little of what we want if we plan it
32:55right do you think there ever will be a
32:57time for you where you won't work where
32:59you what would it take
33:00what would is that it is something you
33:02want um at this point no I haven't found
33:06anything that I'm like overly passionate
33:08note that I would want to do instead I
33:11actually enjoy my new job quite a bit so
33:14you know it's been fun being in a new
33:17position and learning new things there
33:19might be a point where I might ask to go
33:22down to you know 3/4 time or you know
33:25just enough to be considered full-time
33:27so doing different schedules you know if
33:31that makes more sense when she's in
33:32school for pickups and drop-offs and the
33:35flexibility with that but right now I
33:38enjoy what I'm doing so it's not
33:41anything that's you know that we're
33:43planning for if it was something that
33:46became my heart and that we really
33:49wanted to do then it was you know we
33:52didn't having to move and downsize and
33:54you know really change the way that we
33:57live which isn't that it can't be done
33:59but I mean it's a real decision to make
34:02yep you absolutely hit the nail on the
34:05head and one of the whole points of
34:07everything that I write and share and
34:10talk about is just helping moms
34:12recognize the choices that they're
34:13making the choices - what you've made a
34:15choice to work which means that you know
34:17your daughter might want to have her
34:19daycare provider read or story instead
34:20of you just as what it is you've made
34:23the choice not to work which means that
34:26you're going to have to have a little
34:27smaller house and you might have to ride
34:29the bus and you're not going to go out
34:30to them every month right so I think so
34:33often we do such a it's just sad to
34:36watch mom to just make a choice without
34:39looking at the consequences of either
34:41way and that way when you're in that
34:43moment and you feel that mom guilt or
34:46that left out or that I'm going to
34:47choose to work right now even though I'm
34:49home because this person in that
34:51situation and I'm making and what I'm
34:53recognizing from that is that my husband
34:55who's I know you know a lot of husbands
34:57will be like dude standard was I work
34:59with so many mompreneurs at work from
35:01home but oh we put the kids to bed and
35:03she's like oh I'm just going to go send
35:04a few emails and then two hours later
35:07husband's conked out he's asleep you
35:09lost that window of hour-and-a-half
35:11communication time oh I'm sorry honey
35:13I'll do it the next day but they don't
35:15they repeat that behavior over and over
35:17and instead of recognizing I'm choosing
35:19right now to go do this work
35:21instead of nourish my marriage or
35:23instead of nurture my husband or instead
35:25of put that first but if I stop and
35:26think about it what's the most important
35:27thing to well my children and my
35:29marriage well did you do anything today
35:31to take care of that so I love what
35:33you're saying it's beautiful that you
35:35recognize that you know if I do decide
35:37to go to work someday I'm going to
35:39recognize that it means hey we're going
35:40to give up all these things and what
35:43we'll have in return is that time more
35:46influence over schooling education
35:48involvement whatever that looks like for
35:51you and you know I know I remember first
35:54thinking like what would I do all day if
35:55I didn't work and you know and I still
35:57have a balance I'm still working 2025
36:01hours a week with my consulting but
36:02having that space where you know having
36:05a dinner meal on the table and
36:07recognizing that it takes time and
36:09effort and what are they tell me a
36:11little bit about we're going to talk a
36:13little bit about just advice daily
36:15routine things you can't live without
36:16stuff that you would want other moms
36:18that maybe have some similar values as
36:20you to know and try what does a daily a
36:25day in the life of your family like what
36:28time does it start when we have for
36:29breakfast and who makes enter so this is
36:33where I am really grateful for my
36:35lessons so in the morning I get up an
36:38hour earlier before everyone else and
36:40get ready and then wake my husband up
36:45and then he goes downstairs makes my
36:47breakfast packs up my lunch and gets you
36:51know the diapers and everything for
36:52daycare practice for my daughter name oh
36:54why wouldn't we have another moment of
36:57silence doing him what a great guy I
36:59love that okay and so then I get my
37:03daughter ready and he always picks her
37:06up and takes her and puts her in the car
37:08you know car seat and is very smooch and
37:11talks to her um you know I get those
37:15extra two hours almost a day with there
37:18is a car where we get to sing and laugh
37:21and you know talk that he doesn't get so
37:24I try really hard to make sure that he
37:26gets a little moments with her so then
37:31we will you know then we all go to work
37:34on Mondays we go swimming so we have
37:37some lessons on Mondays which we always
37:41got to dinner on Monday night because we
37:43don't have time to come home go swim in
37:45which my daughter is a little fishy and
37:47she loves the water
37:49hmm I'm on other typical nights my
37:52husband will get will get a little about
37:54the same time he takes the dog out and
37:56he gets dinner ready while I you know
38:00take care of our daughter and we play
38:02and we kind of keep things you know so
38:05that you can cook he really enjoys
38:07cooking and he enjoys you know making
38:09dinner for us and then you probably
38:12enjoy eating it yes yes I do I do when
38:15that has been cooks tastes better than
38:17what I cook
38:18so you sure you'd rather that I ate more
38:21food too there's a little bit more
38:22variety in our dinners but he does
38:25really well with making sure that it's
38:27something that well at least the two of
38:29us will eat because we do have a child
38:31there so depending on the day she will
38:33like something or not like something
38:35very cool and then evening routine she
38:38goes down for bed and you guys have like
38:40so we usually start the time around 7
38:43o'clock if there's either a bath or if
38:47it's just reading so if you always will
38:49read three stories for her to her and
38:52that's when I get ready for bed and I
38:54kind of just hide out in the bathroom
38:57and you know wash my face and kind of
38:59get ready to have a few moments to
39:01myself and then you get some some time
39:03with her and we get her into bed they're
39:07sure to sleep and sometimes they go to
39:10sleep what she does and sometimes it
39:12takes hours for her to go to sleep and
39:14um I had been trying to then go
39:18downstairs afterwards and work out
39:20because that was kind of the only time
39:21that I could have any of that workout
39:24time wow that would be so hard for me
39:27I'm just like a mud puddle like my thug
39:30life is when I stay up till like 7:15 I
39:33think it was so hard
39:35goodness yo but it's one of those things
39:37that I have to build in that time for me
39:40um so we try to do like family workout
39:44time to like exercise videos on
39:47the TV which ya watch TV dance or
39:51whatever it takes to do it together yeah
39:53watching toddlers do yoga or try to do
39:56yoga adorable but then she also wants to
40:00sit on top of you
40:02while you try to do more of it oh my
40:04gosh that's going to be the name of this
40:07episode
40:08you know co-sleeping toddlers doing yoga
40:12I love it it's perfect it's also alright
40:17so it sounds like what I hear you saying
40:20is that you and your husband have a
40:21definite tag-team relationship and that
40:26is so critical I think one of the things
40:28as we do these podcasts and more and
40:30more moms share their stories and you
40:31know the amount of time we have it
40:33really helps women understand do I have
40:36that kind of relationship is there the
40:38help or is there you know what my
40:40husband works and I work and do all the
40:42mothering I do all the care you know
40:44like he doesn't come in or do this or
40:45take care of that or make my lunch or
40:47you know and what does that mean for you
40:48and what does that mean for him and if
40:50that works for you what does he do and
40:52where is the communication in your
40:53household that's making you both feel
40:55like it's a team effort and you really
40:58are a family putting in the work
40:59together so I love that you said I go in
41:03and have a few minutes to wash my face
41:04he gives his time oh so for him I love
41:07that all right so I want you to finish a
41:09couple sentences for me okay um
41:12motherhood is amazing
41:16I would tell my 18 year old self to go
41:26to school for engineering and don't
41:28listen to the the counselors Oh
41:34interesting that's good feedback yeah
41:37did I tell you to do something anyone do
41:38well they told me that I could do
41:40something that I wanted to do without
41:41the engineering degree which is not the
41:43case yeah totally oh and by at least I'm
41:49ready to cope with stress depends
41:52sometimes about well sometimes I'm the
41:56one that just you know where you start
41:58clinging something and then versus
42:00like that's when it gets to the
42:04overwhelmed parts um I I try before that
42:08to you know exercise to go for a walk
42:12take a breather just kind of get some me
42:15time I try to get massages regularly
42:19both for health reasons like shoulder
42:22issues and then also for stress relief
42:24so it's any time but if I'm not doing it
42:28for not being good to me then it doesn't
42:31is well yeah I totally agree taking that
42:34time to reset and and just to I think
42:37you just breathe and calm your thoughts
42:39and you can push through the chaos and
42:42the clutter and what really isn't that
42:43important that's weighing you down and
42:45get to the other side of it so before
42:48becoming a mother my favorite thing to
42:50do was I was pretty lame so what do you
42:59want to say like knit that's not lame
43:01like Jerry thank you hey Scoob Laser
43:06games logo that was your hope go is that
43:09when there's a story there okay so after
43:11becoming a mother my favorite thing to
43:13do is go to labor games Pacific know the
43:17sea searches smell and she's getting too
43:19big we try to learn oh and my husband
43:22doesn't like basketball ah that's a hard
43:25one so your favorite thing to do is just
43:28in time with them actually the new
43:30favorite thing is dance parties is
43:32eliminator family gets pretty similar
43:34super fun oh I still remember those when
43:37they were little now my kids look at me
43:38like um well I'm not all of them some of
43:40them uh still dance with me if I turn
43:42the music up loud enough and it's a good
43:43song as they like and move and I don't
43:44try to sing the words too loud so they
43:46can't hear it if you don't have all
43:47these like requirements and they don't
43:49wear that and can't say that for my
43:51friend um so tell me what piece of
43:57advice would you give to a mom who is
44:01working has a career that she loves and
44:03enjoys and she's just become a mother
44:05tell me a couple of things that you
44:06would want her to know um reach out in
44:09the final support system um talk to
44:13others
44:14like I had no idea before I was a mom of
44:17some of the difficulties that would come
44:20with breastfeeding especially going back
44:22to work but then you know finding
44:24Facebook groups or you know finally
44:27finding that kind of mother group
44:29everything I was going through is
44:31totally normal
44:32almost everyone went through something
44:34similar so don't isolate yourself and
44:36feel that you have to overcome anything
44:39by yourself
44:40mmm of that I was guilty of that it made
44:44me so grumpy him not nice I did not ask
44:46for enough help
44:47don't feel like you have to do it alone
44:49awesome well thank you this is been
44:52great I so appreciate your time and your
44:54story and your honesty and just learning
44:57more about your journey and your amazing
45:00husband and your weekend naps and all of
45:03the wonderful of your car rides I took
45:06so much away like things that I can
45:07share about making the most of the car
45:09ride you know with your kids I mean when
45:11they get older for me like I love it
45:13because my teenager who I really want to
45:15give him my very experienced opinion on
45:18multiple subjects he can't leave
45:21why did you see what I just don't know
45:23you know so Lily's like uh-huh what did
45:26I say you said I love it okay you know
45:27cuz I know it's in there somewhere and
45:29to captive audience but when they're
45:31little you know just singing with them
45:32or talking or telling stories or you
45:34know I think it's tempting to just kind
45:37of get caught up and listening to a
45:39podcast or the radio or just turning on
45:41their music and zoning out but having
45:42conversations with them while you're
45:44driving is a great working mom tip so I
45:46think that's what I'm going to add to my
45:47list of good stuff so I will let you go
45:50it sounds like that time is probably
45:51over and you can go have to Sue's and
45:53wash your face and then maybe have a
45:55moment on a conversation with your
45:56husband before you do yoga but I have a
45:59homework to do tonight because tomorrow
46:02is take your kid to work day oh come on
46:05um my friend and I are putting it on for
46:08I think we're going to have almost 800
46:11kids tomorrow oh my goodness we bet are
46:15you going to take your daughter
46:16I am she'll be at the first session how
46:19Hillary no we've got like a friction
46:21thing with cars we've got a sewer tunnel
46:24that you can climb through to do
46:27section as to all sorts of engineering
46:30and nerdy
46:31I'm so impressed I always thought that
46:33like so my husband works for Intel and
46:36until I we started dating and you know
46:39all this stuff like I didn't realize
46:40that I truly thought take your kid to
46:42work day was literally like bring your
46:43kid go have your day at work and they
46:46sit there next to you
46:47this is mommy emailing this is mommy
46:49typing this is mommy calling now we're
46:51going to take a break and go to the
46:52water cooler and try not to gossip right
46:54like whatever I do do at work and then
46:57he saw that he had take your kids to
46:58work and he took some of the kids and
47:00they came home with like she works for
47:03Intel virtual reality stuff and all
47:05these crazy things they did and they had
47:06the best day ever and artwork and bling
47:09and logo of sunglasses and t-shirts I'm
47:12like what on earth you don't do that all
47:14day that's like take your kid to work
47:15and let them run around and play while
47:17you get work on subsequences up so I
47:19love that you're doing that but they do
47:21learn about the sewer system and great
47:24irony was here it's day so hopefully
47:26they will talk with each other and help
47:29the communication between different
47:31girls oh that's awesome
47:33good I want I want to have bring your
47:37mom to daycare day don't you think you
47:40should start one of that so bring your
47:41mom we'll take care of her will read her
47:43a story we'll feed her a snack and we'll
47:46put her down for a nap I think it's
47:48perfect she does not have to start one
47:50of those maybe little mats or big enough
47:52for us we'd have to snuggle well thank
47:56you for your time have a wonderful
47:57evening
47:58so take care all right bye-bye

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